Okay working moms. You feel me already. You get up at five in the morning so you can get everyone ready and out the door and to the sitter and make sure the dog has food and you can actually make it to work on time without looking like a hot mess. You literally pull into your parking space at work like a Nascar driver and jump out of the car. Throwing random items in your purse – phone, water bottle, snack for later, car keys, chapstick, laptop, files, flats for when it’s too much to wear the heels. They all settle at the depths of your large mom purse/computer bag/diaper bag with the random baby sock and $4.62 in nickels, dimes and pennies. You burst in the door, enter your office and settle down. Time to take a quick breather. Turn on the laptop you fished out of your purse and just sit for a minute because you have already conquered a large task for the day. Making it to work. On time. Sometimes. Sometimes i’m between 4-8 minutes late. John if you are reading this, I am sorry.

Disclaimer: What am I going to do when I have more than one kid? And no, I am not pregnant right now. Sorry Mom if you are reading this.

After working for a few minutes, you realize that you have your sweater on backwards. It has a cowl neck so luckily it looks the same from both sides. But it did feel a little tight up top. And the tag was itching the front of your neck. You go to the bathroom, put your sweater on the right way, and head back to your office. Time to conquer this day.

A co-worker stops by your office to say hello and shoot the shit for a minute.

Disclaimer: I work in a building of about ten men. I honestly really like all of them. They are extremely nice. But sometimes they say the wrong thing.

Said coworker asks, “Wow, are you okay? You look tired.” So I just smile pleasantly and repeat, “No, I’m not tired at all!” and continue typing on my little silver laptop. Except I’m punching at the keys MUCH MUCH HARDER.

As you all know, I am not one to mince words. I am very real. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him all the reasons I looked tired. I know he means well, but:

  • I AM F*CKING TIRED!
  • I have been awake since 5 am.
  • My toddler decided to play a trumpet in his bed at 2 am.
  • The dog got in the bed in the middle of the night and would not stop licking himself. That is the worst, most disgusting noise in the entire world but I didn’t have the energy or drive to do more than shove him with my foot and yell at him to stop.
  • I don’t know how to turn my brain off.
  • I did a 30 minute Shaun T workout this morning because that is the only time I get to myself. And I drink a lot of alcohol so I have to work off those calories somehow. Balance people.
  • Before my toddler went downstairs for breakfast he had to pick up every single thing he sleeps with and hand it to me. Then I had to carry it all downstairs while holding him. This is not an easy task and I honestly don’t know why I agree to it.

Disclaimer: I know exactly why I agree to this. This is the only time he will snuggle with me. He lays his precious smelly head on my shoulder while I navigate each step carefully making sure I don’t drop him. Because I am also carrying a bear, a sword, a giraffe named Monkey, a duck, Chase from the Paw Patrol, the Sheep Book, four “binkies” aka his blankets and a toddler pillow. And sometimes his trumpet that will soon be returned to my in-laws.

  • My toddler dumped the remainder of his oatmeal on his head this morning.
  • My toddler didn’t have time for a bath so I just brushed the oatmeal out and put water in his hair.
  • My toddler didn’t want to wear pants. So I literally chased him around the living room with his pants while in my bathrobe with wet hair as he yelled, “No PANTS! I don’t WIKE IT!!!”
  • After catching my toddler, I practically had to wrestle him to get the pants on. He is surprisingly strong for a two year old.
  • Then it was time for shoes. But he wanted to wear rain boots. Rain boots it is. I pick and choose my battles.

Normally it is smooth sailing after the shoes. Then Logan takes Henry off to the sitter and I can get myself ready. By then it is usually 7:20 am and I have to be at work by 8 am.

This gives me a little time to put on makeup, blow dry my hair, attempt to straighten it, pick out an outfit, get dressed and make it out the door. I think I have big ears so if my hair is in a ponytail or top knot it means I have had a REALLY BAD MORNING. WARNING: DO NOT TALK TO ME!

Disclaimer: I do not live in a metropolis. I used to live approximately three miles from my office and I had my schedule down to the minute. I usually made it to the office by 7:58 am. Then my office moved to approximately five miles from my house down a much busier street. I still have not adjusted to the extra five minutes it takes to get there. #FirstWorldProblems

I hope you feel me on this one, working moms. I refuse to title myself as a “hot mess mom” because I think all moms have a little hot mess in them. If you can make it to work every day without a small battle and get to eat your breakfast in peace while watching something other than Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Jake and the Neverland Pirates on tv, let me know how you accomplish this magic trick. But like I always say, I probably won’t listen.

Until Next Time,

Jamie

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