Oh Christmas season! How you creep up on me each and every year. I am always the person that waits until the weekend before Christmas to finish all their shopping. The Christmas season turns everything into such a cluster. People going crazy searching for the one toy their kid supposedly cannot live without. Teenagers in crop tops and winter coats begging their parents for something that I think is highly inappropriate. Get that kid a damn EZ Bake Oven and a turtleneck with a snowman on it! Is that not in style anymore?

Disclaimer: I am totally turning into an old person. I went to a high school football game with my husband and was SHOCKED by the amount of fourteen year old girls in crop tops and leggings wearing full makeup with teased hair. It was like mini Olivia Newton Johns everywhere! My Dad would have locked me in the house if I even dared to wear some of their outfits. I am trying to embrace the fact I am no longer cool and out of touch with whatever is now cool. And that I sound exactly like my Mom when I say these things.

Back to the real issue here. One of my least favorite things to see on Facebook before I had kids was this damn elf. What the hell made him so special? And it looked like a straight up creeper. I think I would have nightmares if I thought it was watching me all day and all night. Did kids actually believe that this elf dictated the amount of gifts they would receive on Christmas morning? Could it not have been a cute cuddly snowman that told Santa Claus that you were waiting to push your sister until your parents left the room?

Now that I have a kid I totally get it. It’s pretty much a great way to bribe your kid into not being a total asshole for the month of December. I’m normally game for anything that will help me force my child into being good. Especially during the Christmas season when he is hyped up on sugar 90% of the time and handed an overly expensive toy or gift every time he walks into a relative’s home.

Disclaimer #2: As I was writing this post I decided to google the good ol’ Elf on the Shelf to get the real story behind his creation. This is the first thing I saw. Really people? I clicked the link but couldn’t bring myself to read the article.

elf

Disclaimer #3: It looks like this elf is about to take a poop on the people below him.

There is something about this elf that I just can’t get myself to buy into. With Henry being two and a half years old, I need to make my decision. I need to shit or get off the pot. I have come up with the pros and cons of having a creepy little elf in my house each winter for the next fifteen years. How long do kids believe in Santa now?

Pros:

  • This elf could possibly force my child into thinking he has to be good to get Christmas presents. Even though all his grandparents will get him a ridiculous amount of toys no matter what.
  • All of his little friend’s moms are probably doing it and I don’t want him to be left out because I’m super creeped out by the elf and a little too lazy to take responsibility for it.
  • It could turn into a fun Christmas tradition that he really looks forward to.

Cons:

  • Seriously that elf looks creepy as hell. I can’t even look at pictures of them because they weird me out. It’s like this porcelain doll I had when I was little that was dressed like a clown. It sat on a shelf in my room and when the streetlight hit it the right way at night it looked like it was smiling at me. The clown went into my closet and never came back out.
  • This is a huge commitment! If I wanted something else to be responsible for I would get another pet. Or have another kid.
  • You have to move it EVERY NIGHT? Who invented this shit? I am not that responsible. I am also not that dedicated.
  • Does the elf always have to be doing something creative? What happened to just sitting it on a shelf? The people in my Facebook timeline are crazy creative. Their elves read books and clean the house and knit tiny Christmas sweaters and take baths in coffee mugs full of marshmallows and probably judge me for not having an elf yet.
  • Am I considering getting Henry an elf just because everyone else has one? Can’t I just tell him he needs to be good and if he isn’t he will get a lump of coal in his stocking? If all his friend’s moms jumped off a bridge, would I?
  • Things like this give me anxiety. I think having to move the elf every night would stress me out. I would think about where to put it all day and then I would wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night not remembering if I moved it.

Even though my list of cons is definitely longer than my list of pros I am still debating. I don’t want to feel like I am cheating Henry out of something that would possibly make him really happy. But should I have to stress myself out to make my toddler happy? That is a stupid question. I stress over everything when it comes to this kid. I have done a lot of things that stressed me out because they made him happy.

So please give me your advice! Any moms out there that have bucked the elf system and said screw it? Any elf horror stories I should hear about? I can’t wait to hear what you all think!

Until Next Time,

Jamie

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