Gross, right? Who the hell wants poop for Christmas?

Me! This lady right here! All I seriously want for Christmas is poo. In the potty that is.

I have been pretty open on my blog about the fact that my three year old is still not fully potty trained. It is my largest #momfail and it brings a lot of anxiety to my life.

Disclaimer: Anyone mom shaming me right now can go F-off. Sorry I had to get that out.

When people have asked me what I want for Christmas, I have a list of things.

  • Cash
  • Gift cards for manicures and pedicures
  • New blinds for the house
  • Someone to finish painting the trim on my second floor
  • Long flowing mermaid hair with no cowlicks
  • Peace on earth
  • Not having to worry about my children being bullied on social media one day
  • Equality for everyone
  • Sleep
  • No more Paw Patrol
  • The ability to understand Roku and Sling TV and all that nonsense so I can finally cancel my DirecTV
  • A rug for the kitchen
  • An espresso machine
  • Tooth-whitening
  • Patience
  • A supermodel body molded by beer and tacos
  • The ability to drink and not get hungover
  • A week where I can lay on the couch and watch Netflix in my high-waisted leggings.

I would legitimately love any of those. For real. But more than anything, I want Henry to start pooping in the potty.

We have worked and worked and worked on this.

He has pooped in the potty three times. I think the first one was an accident. The next two were because I forced him to stay naked and I knew he wouldn’t poop on the floor.

Actually, I did not know that. It was just a hope, wish and prayer that worked out in my favor.

But it happened. And I didn’t have to ask him if he needed to go. He just walked to the bathroom, sat on the potty and went. This kid knows what he’s doing.

We did everything but throw him a freaking fiesta to celebrate.

But here’s the deal. The kid does not give a shit – no pun intended- about pooping in the potty when he is not naked. It’s like he can’t be bothered to stop playing to sit on the potty.

There is no more “he’s not ready” or “he will do it when he’s ready.” It’s more like, get your shit together kid or Mama is going to straight up lose hers.

I have tried every form of bribery. The Elf on the Shelf didn’t even work his magic. Damn elf.

Unfortunately, keeping him naked each day when he is at the baby sitter’s house just isn’t possible.

This is me making a real-life Christmas wish. I need a true potty training miracle.

I would seriously pay someone to potty train him at this point. Is that an option? Do professional potty trainers exist?

So say a prayer for me. Because all I want for Christmas is poo.