I know that going to get a pedicure won’t cure the burnout of a mom, but it feels pretty damn good to be alone for two hours without the kids. And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. And it’s glorious.

I feel like social media has been such a buzzkill lately, especially with Election Day right around the corner. There’s so much trash talk and negativity and it don’t like it.

But there is also so much good on social media. So many ways to stay in touch with friends you don’t get to see nearly as much as you want.

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Now that school is back in session, I have been back to giving my kids nightly baths.

Don’t gasp at me, lady with clean kids. The pool or sprinkler count as a bath in the summer.

Anywho, a few nights ago, I needed to place my grungy little two year old in the tub for a nice soak. He had been playing outside and there was mud under his nails and dirt on his face.

I said, “Cy Cy, it’s bath time!” And his fat little legs ran/toddled to the bathroom to prepare for some splashing that would inevitably end in me drying the entire bathroom while yelling at him to stop.

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This is for my home girls that are dealing with a toddler right now.

Toddlers are equally adorable and completely terrifying depending on their unreliable moods, napping schedules and teething calendar.

When my oldest son, Henry, was a toddler, I was absolutely dumbfounded by how quickly he could morph from an adorable little pudgy dancing man in a diaper to a screaming, red-faced, angry tiny version of me over the color sippy cup he received.

I also did not think it was possible to be scared that you might make a child angry.

You know sometimes you hold your breath after you hand a toddler their dinner.

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Approximately 35 years ago, I was born. I think I might have come out sneezing.

I am a huge nerd with a long list of allergies. When I was in high school my eyes would swell shut at track meets from the grass. Always an extremely attractive look for anyone I was trying to impress. Or see.

For some reason, my parents never thought that taking me to get tested for allergies was a good idea, so I just suffered.

When I turned into an actual adult, I had enough. I was starting to get migraines and took matters into my own hands because I had good insurance.

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Read this if you want to feel better about your life as a parent.

Those of you that follow me know that the entire reason I started writing this blog was to help other moms – and dads – feel better about their parenting skills, or complete lack of them as they google how to remove a bean from a toddler’s nose.

Three years ago, I was constantly comparing my family to the picture perfect family on Facebook, that only appeared picture perfect.

That picture was literally one second in time that was caught on camera. And everyone was looking at the picture and smiling so it was posted with the caption #BLESSED, probably a nice filter to smooth out any wrinkles, and could be used as a stock photo that comes in a picture frame when you buy it from Hobby Lobby for 50% off.

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35 is actually knowing who you are as person but still questioning each and every decision you make.

35 is wanting to go to bed but craving time alone to watch Bachelor in Paradise – or something equally as trashy.

35 is spending a night drinking with your friends then spending the next day feeling like shit because you aren’t 21 anymore.

35 is working out in the morning but complaining about your creaky bones when you walk up steps.

35 is wanting to spend all the time with your children but also locking yourself in the bathroom with your coffee so no one will touch you with their grubby hands.

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I have probably said this one million times. But today I felt the need to say it again.

Social media is the highlight reel of everyone’s life, not their reality.

Of their vacation. Of their trip to the park. Their visit to the library. Even their grocery trip with a cart full of fruit, veggies, non-GMO, gluten-free, BPALPRTG-free food.

I am 100% guilty of this. I don’t want to post pictures of my real life on the internet for everyone to see.

I’m not going to take photos of my kids when they are wrestling each other in the playroom they have not cleaned in a month with too many toys, about 49 fire hazards and a poorly placed pair of scissors.

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Boys On Beach

My summer beach vacation has come and gone. I am so sad that it is over.

Each year, me, my husband and two little boys travel to Hilton Head to spend the week on the beach with the whole Johnson clan. We look forward to it all year long, and this year was no different.

The day before we left, I had approximately 47 lists of everything we needed to pack. I decided to take the minimal approach, so I only packed enough for a small village, instead of a large village, like usual.

You never know when you might need a cable-knit sweater or rain boots at the beach.

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Grandparents

I remember the first night I let my newborn baby stay with his grandparents.

Disclaimer: Of course I have to start this with a disclaimer because people can be very judgmental. I love my children more than life itself. I would take a bullet for them. But they also annoy me a bit from time to time and I treasure my alone time. So there.

Anywho, when my now five-year old, Henry, was about two weeks fresh out of the uterus, I was given a wonderful gift from a friend. They were VIP tickets to go see Old Crow Medicine Show at ROMP – a bluegrass festival that I love – in the town where I live.

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I used to be a total asshole. A snarky little beeotch.

This was before I had kids obviously. I’m still an asshole, just not as often and mostly when I’m sleep deprived.

So, this post is my apology to all the women in my life that had kids before me, because I was an asshole to them. I had zero idea of the impact children have on your life and how stressful and time consuming parenting can be.

The saying, “I was the perfect mom until I had kids,” is so true. I can’t even begin to count the number of times, “My kid will never do that,” slipped out of my mouth.

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