MOM FAIL

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For as long as I can remember,  I have had a very strong dislike of the Elf on the Shelf.

As a single twenty-something, I found it to be extremely creepy looking. That in itself turned me off. My sister had one for her kids and the whole side-eye and little smirk made me uneasy.

After I had my first child, Henry, I would see my mom friends post their adorable elf getting into trouble on Facebook, having tea parties with 25 other toys, or making a five course breakfast.

I will now be completely and totally honest. This intimidated the shit out of me.

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MOM FAIL

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Happy Thanksgiving people! In this day and age, that means it’s time to talk about Christmas. I know, I don’t like it either. I am usually the mom that waits until the very last minute to buy all Christmas presents, but I am making an effort to do a better job this year. I have a three year old so he is actually really excited and that gets me excited!

My normal Christmas mantra is minimal. My kids do not need any more toys.

So in this guide I’ve highlighted some of the hands-down classic winners, a really expensive but cool learning toy and something I use because I guess I’m just selfish.

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PARENTING

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Being the mom to an infant and a toddler really has me pulling my hair out lately. I spend a lot of time on my blog sharing the ugly – the poop, tantrums and sleepless nights.

Sometimes I have to reel my emotions in and remind myself of how freaking lucky I am.

I have an adorable, healthy three year old. I have a sweet, beautiful three month old. I have a loving husband, a dog, a home, a good job and I am healthy. I have a car and health insurance and friends and food and faith.

I complain about how hard it is to parent.

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MOM FAIL

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Let’s get real today. I write a parenting blog. But I wouldn’t exactly call it a REAL parenting blog.

When I look at REAL parenting blogs, they include content that someone might find useful when raising their child, such as potty training how-to’s or the best way to diffuse a tantrum. Maybe how to do baby-led weaning.

But I can’t write about those topics! Why not? I am completely unqualified.

  • I am raising my children on a wish, a prayer, caffeine and wine.
  • I still can’t get my three and a half year old, Henry, to poop in the potty. And i’m not looking for anymore advice on that one people!
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MOM FAIL

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Let’s be honest. Like super honest. We all have unrealistic expectations. We have these images in our mind of how life is going to be and then when it doesn’t happen that exact way, we get extremely disappointed.

Why can’t we just be honest with ourselves in the beginning? Admit that life isn’t perfect, our kids aren’t perfect, and we sure as hell aren’t perfect.

It’s like the Pinterest fail. You follow the directions exactly to make a nativity scene for Christmas out of toothpicks and rubber cement and end up with a big pile of nothing and a toddler with two fingers glued together.

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It’s that time again! Time for me to tell you more about the ways I have failed at parenting my children. Though by now I call them learning experiences or character builders. Let’s keep things positive people!

Here are ten of the things I have personally learned since becoming a parent. The things that people don’t tell you when you find out you’re pregnant. Some, such as myself, would think of these as hacks. The normal human would think of them as common sense.

  1. Take your toddler’s fuzzy socks off before changing a poopy diaper. If you do not, the child in question will somehow stick the fuzzy sock into a large pile of poop, making a bigger, more disgusting mess.
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Almost one year ago today, I wrote a post titled, No, I’m Not Tired: The Life of a Working Mom. I looked back at it today and realized how much my life has changed in one short year. When I wrote that post, I had one kid – now I have two. BIG DIFFERENCE.

So I thought I should write an update. And this time I am going to title the post appropriately, because yes, I am tired. Very tired. Four cups of coffee tired.

One year ago, I would get up at 5 am in the morning. And I thought that was early.

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I think every mom has that one story that really just tops them all. The gross of the gross. The one where you wonder what you did to deserve this disgusting fate.

Mine happened yesterday. The entire Johnson family had spent the week in Hilton Head for Fall Break and had an amazing time. The drive up was surprisingly easy with a 3 month old and a 3 year old, so I should have known it was the calm before the storm.

About three hours away from home on the ten plus hour trip back, we pulled over to get a bite to eat and for me to feed Simon, aka Cy Baby, our three month old.

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PARENTING

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I admit that sometimes I write my blog posts for selfish reasons. And today is one of those days. One of those days where I needed to convince myself that everything would be okay in the end.

Nothing too out of the ordinary happened today. Just life. Normal things. But for some reason, it just felt overwhelming today. It just seemed like SO MUCH.

Somehow I ended up with pink eye two weeks after both kids had it.

Both of the kids cried the entire way home from the sitter. And not just whimpers – ear piercing crying. The “I’m beyond being calmed down” cry.

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MOM FAIL

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Happy First Birthday Hashtag MomFail! I wrote my first post, Why I #MomFail, exactly one year ago today.

What a crazy year this has been. I started this blog with the intention of sharing some funny stories, keeping it really real, and relating to other moms out there that felt the insane pressure to be the perfect parent.

But wow, it has turned into so much more than that. I’ve met so many cool people. I’ve helped a lot of moms through their struggles with parenting, made people laugh and pissed A LOT of people off.

When I said I was going to keep it real, I wasn’t lying.

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