This is most definitely my worst #MomFail. The big kahuna. Possibly the one that makes you think, oh shit, this woman has lost it. Why is she sharing this with the internet?
But I have discussed this with friends. They have told me this has happened to them as well. So it is not as rare of an event as I think it is. Either that or all my friends are drunkards. Haha.
Having to take care of a toddler while you are hungover is one of the worst feelings in the world. There is nothing like having to care for a miniature human that constantly acts like they are drunk, while you are laying on the couch, dizzy and nauseous with the cold sweats while feeling like you could vomit at any moment. I put this as way worse than any of the Heaven Hill vodka induced hangovers I had in college.
Let’s set the scene: It was October of 2015 and one of my husband’s family friends had just gotten married. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding followed by a beautiful reception. And you know those receptions always include an open bar. There was a band and dancing and we had a babysitter and I was having the time of my life. About five Mich Ultras later, things got a little fuzzy. I remember slow dancing with my husband and playing the tambourine. Eek!
Disclaimer: I don’t know why I was binge drinking Mich Ultra. When you have as many beers as I did that night, the carb and calorie counts were obviously out of the question.
Next morning – approximately 6 am: I hear “Mama” being sung from Henry’s room in his adorable toddler voice.
I open my eyes and a searing pain shoots through my head. All I can see is my wadded up Rent the Runway dress on the floor and my clutch purse on the nightstand. I had managed to make it into some pajamas and taken out my earrings. #MomWin
I think, oh shit, I hope I didn’t make an ass of myself and check my phone. All I have is a text from my sister-in-law asking when we left. Holy hell, what did I do with my life last night?
Disclaimer: This is not a regular event for me. I rarely go out. But something about a night out without having to worry about my kid turns me into Kristen Wiig on the plane in Bridesmaids.
Henry sings “Mama” again. I roll over, look at my sleeping husband that doesn’t realize how bad his hangover is going to be, call him an asshole under my breath and stumble out of bed. I go to the bathroom and don’t bother to look in the mirror because that is just an image I don’t want to remember. Oh the shame. Oh the guilt.
I enter Henry’s room. He pops up in his crib and greets me with the cutest, most adorable grin and says “Hi Mama!” This always melts my freaking mom heart. Anyone with a toddler knows their greatest hour is between 6 and 7 am.
Even this adorable grin that is melting my heart doesn’t heal the constant pounding in my head. I get him out of his crib, change a putrid overnight diaper that gives me the dry heaves and head downstairs to the living room.
Sadly, this is where the worst part begins. I will give you the abridged version because it gets messy.
Get Henry milk and a banana and sit him on the loveseat.
Turn on a cartoon on Netflix because the episodes play one after the other without me having to press any buttons.
I take four ibuprofen and lay down on the couch, thinking about how I will never drink again.
Haha I will drink again when the next wedding rolls around but I don’t want to think about it.
I close my eyes for a few short minutes.
I hear Henry get off the loveseat, walk over to me, and begin poking me in the eyeballs.
I sit him next to me on the couch and try not to vomit, praying he will just watch tv for an hour.
One episode in, I smell poop.
I change the diaper and being that I am so hungover, throw it in the trashcan in the kitchen instead of the diaper genie upstairs in his room. HUGE MISTAKE!!
30 minutes later, Henry wanders into the kitchen where he REACHED IN THE TRASH AND GOT OUT THE DIRTY DIAPER! He hand delivered it to me on the couch.
I literally vomited this time. While puking with my head in the toilet, Henry closes the toilet lid on my head and laughs. Hysterically. I cried. While vomiting. This was definitely a low point in my life.
I run him a bath and plop him in the tub.
He continues his streak by pooping in the f*cking tub! Are you kidding me? Can this morning get any worse?
I pull him out of the tub, drain it, pour a whole bottle of bleach in it, turn on the shower and just hold him under it to get any excess poop off.
It was like when Rafiki holds Simba in the Lion King on top of the mountain but I was a hungover mom about to vomit with mascara still running down my face.
I wrap him in a towel while he giggles because he thinks this is really funny and head upstairs.
I burst into my bedroom, yelled at my husband “YOUR TURN!” and I crawled back into bed. He looked at me like I was a crazy person but he didn’t know what I had just been through.
The moral of this story is, don’t binge drink Mich Ultra at a wedding if you have to care for a toddler the next morning. It will result in almost certain disaster.
Until Next Time,
Oh my gosh…this was so funny. I literally had headache reading this as if I were you.You gotta love kiddos and their absolute honesty. Thy keep us humble for sure. Good luck with the next wedding:)
Thank his so much!
This made me laugh SO hard lol! My son pooping in the tub is possibly the grossest thing I’ve ever seen and I wasn’t even hungover lol. I definitely would have woken my husband up.
It was so foul. Like the tiny little pieces of poop floating everywhere. I’ll never forget that morning. It was tragic. 😂😂😂
This made me laugh out loud! And yes, I have been there too (minus to poop incident). Thanks for sharing!
Hahaha well I’m glad I could make you laugh! And I hope you never have to deal with the poop incident!!!
oh my life!!! this sounds horrific!! Hangovers are SO bad when you are parents but why do we forget this as soon as we get a free pass!! Every.Time!! #thesatsesh
And I still do it. I have no idea why! I’m going to a party tonight where I’m sure I’ll drink too much. 😬
This is amazing!!
I had a similar morning the other day after my Mums birthday ended in a pretty horrendous day we ventured to our local pub (which we’d never been in) and drank all of the wine (literally all of it as ithe pub was closing down for refurbishment the next day). I was sick, I woke up to the kids all around me and half of Lebanon’s food sat in takeaway boxes on the floor. I got up stepped in some humus and it just went from bad to worse. I informed my husband that he would have to take the lead on this magical Monday morning; including the school run and I fell back in to bed! I felt so bad! It’s ok to let loose once in a while but bloody hell hangovers don’t get any easier!! #thesatsesh
Hahaha I love that you literally drank all the wine. We could be great friends!
#thestasesh LOL so glad you joined us with this beaut!!!! yup – thats an epic Mum fail, but you’re right, its one we’ve all experienced mainly because – we don’t go out anymore, so when we do its epic and we lost our twenties ability to drink the year we stopped due to pregnancy. However, the moral is wrong..the moral is keep the childcare until the next morning and get a hotel near or in the venue 🙂 everyones a winner
Thank you so much! And yes, i drink like I’m 25 when I️ go out once a year and always feel it the next day. 😂😂😂😂😂