I wrote a little on my Facebook page last week about my issues with depression before I had kids. I heard about Kate Spade, the woman I literally thought had it all, committing suicide and I really flashed back to some years of my life that were less than desirable.
I feel that over the last eight or so years, I’ve learned a lot about myself as a human. I went from being in a deep depression and funk that led me down a bad path to finally seeing the light and learning who I really was.
I was the face of depression that people didn’t expect. The smart twenty-something living in Nashville after college with her first big kid job. I had a nice apartment with one of my best friends from college. I made good money. I had a boyfriend.
But I was so sad. No reason. Just sad. Lay in bed sobbing sad.
I drank almost every night to numb it. Went out and partied until 3 am on the weekends. Went to work hungover. Ran to the bathroom to puke because my hangovers were so bad. But I didn’t see a problem with it. Or a way out. I just saw it as my life and I needed to deal with it.
It was almost five years later that I made a change. I remember the exact moment I knew I needed help. I suddenly thought, “What the hell have I done with my life?”
The next day, I made a change. I stopped drinking so much every night. I called my doctor. I cut off some friends that weren’t good for me.
Then I made a deal with myself that I would get my shit together. And I did.
I don’t regret going down that path. Yes, it was sad and dark, but it taught me a lot about myself. Mainly, it showed me how happy I can actually be.
It showed me that I’m pretty damn tough. And resourceful. I like to laugh. I like to make others laugh more. I don’t like staying up late. I do my best work in the mornings. I’m smart. I get sick when I push myself too hard. I can’t do it all. I love working out first thing in the morning. I believe in all that self-help, love yourself motivational mumble jumbo. I can’t drink like I used to. Yoga pants are my jam. Wearing sunscreen really is a good idea. The sun shines every day, you just have to look up at it sometimes. And happiness is a choice.
I love being married to someone that makes me be a better person and raising two children that bring me joy and exhaustion all at the same time.
I can forget about the bad decisions I made in the past and move forward with my life. Because the best is yet to come.
It took me a long time to forgive myself for all the bad decisions. I used to think back and it would make me kind of sick to my stomach. But I’m finally past that point.
And there is still a lot I don’t know about myself. And that’s okay. I will learn soon enough. And I will become an even better person.
So if you’re reading this, and you’ve put yourself in a situation that makes you sad, uneasy, uncomfortable or just downright grossed out – leave. Run. Get out. There’s nothing stopping you. Pack your shit. And get some help. Anything less is an excuse.
Until Next Time,
Jamie
