Approximately 35 years ago, I was born. I think I might have come out sneezing.
I am a huge nerd with a long list of allergies. When I was in high school my eyes would swell shut at track meets from the grass. Always an extremely attractive look for anyone I was trying to impress. Or see.
For some reason, my parents never thought that taking me to get tested for allergies was a good idea, so I just suffered.
When I turned into an actual adult, I had enough. I was starting to get migraines and took matters into my own hands because I had good insurance. Thank you for that, marriage to a teacher.
So, I called an ENT and set up an allergy test.
The test was scheduled for about 1:30 pm on a week day. I left work and told my boss I would be back in an hour.
When I arrived, I was actually excited to finally find out what I was actually allergic too so I could start feeling better.
I sat in the little allergy doctor chair and they gave me a test prick to make sure I reacted to whatever it is they injected me with. It swelled right up. I remember the woman doing the testing commenting on how quickly it swelled.
She then marked my arms with letters and started the process of pricking me with a number of different needles that contained different allergens.
When she was finished, she said she would give me about 15 minutes – maybe, I don’t remember the specifics – and check the results.
About five minutes in, I was starting to get some noticeably large bumps on my arms. They were starting to mold into one large bump.
I said something to the allergy lady and asked if she had a fan because I was getting really hot. I was having those nasty hot sweats you get when you eat something that will end up giving you food poisoning.
She looked at me and her face was priceless. She looked like she had seen a Chucky doll come to life. She said, “I’ll be right back,” in a very calm manner. Then I literally heard her sprint down the hallway somewhere.
I went to look down at my arm again and could see my eyelids because they were so swollen. Then I realized my face felt super tight and I felt my lips. They felt very Kardashian-like. I wondered if this was what it felt like to get bad plastic surgery.
A nurse rushed into the room and asked if I was okay. I felt fine, I just knew that the intense sweating and extreme swelling was not the reaction they were looking for.
The next twenty minutes or so were a bit of a blur. I was wheeled into another room, given some shots, and told to chill out. I literally had someone in the room with me at all times poking and testing and making sure that I was still breathing.
Disclaimer: I AM FINE. I HAD AMAZING MEDICAL CARE. I literally can’t talk about this without laughing now.
The shots worked and I got to the point where I felt like my eyelids were going down a little. I decided I wanted to see what I looked like, so I got my phone and this is what I saw.
Straight up Nutty Professor style.
I called my husband to tell him what was going on. As the coach of a high school baseball team, he was on the bus to a game about 2 hours away. I sent him the picture and he almost lost his shit.
It was about time to pick up the baby from the sitter so I had to call my mom and ask her to get him. I also sent her the picture and she about lost her shit as well.
I also texted the picture to my boss so he could see why I wasn’t coming back to work. He also almost lost his shit, then laughed hysterically.
Turns out, I am highly allergy to everything they tested me for except cockroaches and dust mites.
Thank goodness because I come across those a lot in my daily life.
The ENT finally let me leave about 3 hours later and I went to the pharmacy to get my new tribe of allergy meds and some steroids for that Nutty Professor face.
Unfortunately, I am not allowed to get allergy shots because the doctor is terrified that might happen again. So about four years later, I am just finally getting a solution to this whole problem.
I laugh every time I see this picture now. Yes, it was an uncomfortable situation but holy shit, that face is priceless.
Until Next Time,
Jamie
