Bedtime sucks. It is the worst. I seriously dread it every single night.

Why is that you ask?

Because putting a three year old to bed is no easy task. It’s like trying to catch a bird that somehow got into your house and is completely tearing it apart while you chase it around with a broom.

So because I have become such a mediocre parenting guru, I have put together a “how-to” guide on putting your preschool aged child to bed. You can thank me later.

  1. Tell your kid they have to take a bath thirty minutes before bed.
  2. Listen to kid scream NOOOOOOO for about five minutes.
  3. Start the bath water and bribe them with bubbles so they will get in.
  4. Exit bathroom while child entertains himself in tub. I prefer not to watch my bathroom flood while my three year old flops around like Shamu. .
  5. Frantically run around the house attempting to get shit done while your kid is in the tub.
  6. Kid climbs out of tub thirty minutes later, lays down on the bathmat, and screams “MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY, I’M COLD” until you wrap him in a towel.
  7. Carry your 35-pound three year old upstairs wrapped in a little ball in a towel because he wants you to hold him and you can’t say no to that.
  8. Place child on his bed.
  9. Get out underwear and pajamas.
  10. He will cry because he wants to wear his Batman pajamas again even though he has worn them the last 8 nights in a row and there are no feet left in them.
  11. You give in and let him wear the dirty Batman pajamas because you really just don’t care that much.
  12. You mention that he has to brush his teeth.
  13. He falls on the floor screaming and crying.
  14. You physically drag him into the bathroom.
  15. After ten minutes of fighting it, he places a huge glob of berry flavored toothpaste on his Hulk toothbrush, sticks it in his mouth, gives a half-ass 10-second attempt at brushing his teeth and then swallows his toothpaste even though you continually tell him not to.
  16. He then drinks out of the faucet for an extended period of time because it’s always best to load up on water right before bedtime.
  17. You realize you put him in pajamas before making him use the potty. Rookie move.
  18. He has to unzip his flannel footed Batman pajamas, take them all the way off, take off his underwear, go potty, put his underwear back on – always backwards so he can see the superhero picture on it – and manages to slither back into his Batman pajamas.
  19. Force child back into their bedroom.
  20. Tell them one story but no Batman coloring book tonight with no words.
  21. You end up reading the Batman coloring book with no words. It’s 40 pages. You make it all up. Again.
  22. You say it’s time for a kiss and a hug before bed.
  23. You get a kiss and a hug.
  24. Child lays down in bed like a tiny Batman angel.
  25. Turn on sound machine and night light and exit the room.
  26. Stand outside closed door and listen to three year old climb out of bed, turn on lights, and start having a conversation with his superhero action figures.
  27. Decide you don’t care because he is leaving you alone.
  28. Do something you have been waiting all day to do, like sit down for the first time in twelve hours.
  29. Hear child yell for you.
  30. Ignore the yell.
  31. Hear child open door and come into your room. He is thirsty even though he just drank a gallon of water out of the faucet.
  32. Get him a drink and tell him to go to bed.
  33. He wants to read another story.
  34. Say no.
  35. He climbs on top of you, sits on your head and laughs.
  36. You yell “GO TO BED!” and he is scared for about 5 seconds and goes back to his bedroom.
  37. Three minutes later you hear your name being called again.
  38. You hear his bedroom door open.
  39. He enters your room. He isn’t tired. You tell him to go back to bed. He goes back to bed.
  40. Repeat steps 38 & 39 for another hour and a half.
  41. Child falls asleep.

Super easy guys. Only 41 steps. And this is the abridged version.

Until Next Time,