Bedtime sucks. It is the worst. I seriously dread it every single night.
Why is that you ask?
Because putting a three year old to bed is no easy task. It’s like trying to catch a bird that somehow got into your house and is completely tearing it apart while you chase it around with a broom.
So because I have become such a mediocre parenting guru, I have put together a “how-to” guide on putting your preschool aged child to bed. You can thank me later.
- Tell your kid they have to take a bath thirty minutes before bed.
- Listen to kid scream NOOOOOOO for about five minutes.
- Start the bath water and bribe them with bubbles so they will get in.
- Exit bathroom while child entertains himself in tub. I prefer not to watch my bathroom flood while my three year old flops around like Shamu. .
- Frantically run around the house attempting to get shit done while your kid is in the tub.
- Kid climbs out of tub thirty minutes later, lays down on the bathmat, and screams “MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY, I’M COLD” until you wrap him in a towel.
- Carry your 35-pound three year old upstairs wrapped in a little ball in a towel because he wants you to hold him and you can’t say no to that.
- Place child on his bed.
- Get out underwear and pajamas.
- He will cry because he wants to wear his Batman pajamas again even though he has worn them the last 8 nights in a row and there are no feet left in them.
- You give in and let him wear the dirty Batman pajamas because you really just don’t care that much.
- You mention that he has to brush his teeth.
- He falls on the floor screaming and crying.
- You physically drag him into the bathroom.
- After ten minutes of fighting it, he places a huge glob of berry flavored toothpaste on his Hulk toothbrush, sticks it in his mouth, gives a half-ass 10-second attempt at brushing his teeth and then swallows his toothpaste even though you continually tell him not to.
- He then drinks out of the faucet for an extended period of time because it’s always best to load up on water right before bedtime.
- You realize you put him in pajamas before making him use the potty. Rookie move.
- He has to unzip his flannel footed Batman pajamas, take them all the way off, take off his underwear, go potty, put his underwear back on – always backwards so he can see the superhero picture on it – and manages to slither back into his Batman pajamas.
- Force child back into their bedroom.
- Tell them one story but no Batman coloring book tonight with no words.
- You end up reading the Batman coloring book with no words. It’s 40 pages. You make it all up. Again.
- You say it’s time for a kiss and a hug before bed.
- You get a kiss and a hug.
- Child lays down in bed like a tiny Batman angel.
- Turn on sound machine and night light and exit the room.
- Stand outside closed door and listen to three year old climb out of bed, turn on lights, and start having a conversation with his superhero action figures.
- Decide you don’t care because he is leaving you alone.
- Do something you have been waiting all day to do, like sit down for the first time in twelve hours.
- Hear child yell for you.
- Ignore the yell.
- Hear child open door and come into your room. He is thirsty even though he just drank a gallon of water out of the faucet.
- Get him a drink and tell him to go to bed.
- He wants to read another story.
- Say no.
- He climbs on top of you, sits on your head and laughs.
- You yell “GO TO BED!” and he is scared for about 5 seconds and goes back to his bedroom.
- Three minutes later you hear your name being called again.
- You hear his bedroom door open.
- He enters your room. He isn’t tired. You tell him to go back to bed. He goes back to bed.
- Repeat steps 38 & 39 for another hour and a half.
- Child falls asleep.
Super easy guys. Only 41 steps. And this is the abridged version.
Until Next Time,