I used to be a total asshole. A snarky little beeotch.

This was before I had kids obviously. I’m still an asshole, just not as often and mostly when I’m sleep deprived.

So, this post is my apology to all the women in my life that had kids before me, because I was an asshole to them. I had zero idea of the impact children have on your life and how stressful and time consuming parenting can be.

The saying, “I was the perfect mom until I had kids,” is so true. I can’t even begin to count the number of times, “My kid will never do that,” slipped out of my mouth.

And now, I am being paid back for each and every one of those comments.

Just this weekend, my one-year-old yelled, “NO!” and reared his fat little hand back to hit me in church. He then proceeded to laugh like he was the cutest angel sent to distract each and every person in the church. I was livid so I whisper-yelled at him which had zero effect, except to make everyone in a three pew vicinity stare at us.

I know, people around the world are gasping that my child would do that. No one is perfect and if you are judging me you have never had an almost two-year-old little boy. And you’re an asshole.

So here we go on my apologies.

My first apology goes out to my old boss at Robert Half International in Nashville. We worked a TON of hours there, which didn’t really matter to me because I was a single twenty-something and I had all the time in the world.

One day, my boss, who had two little boys, came into work and sat at her desk crying. She had worked late the night before and didn’t know her kid needed some sort of homemade hat until 10 minutes before they got in the car to go to school the next morning. She helped him slap something together so everyone wouldn’t be late and spent the first ten minutes in the office crying because of her extreme working mom guilt.

I remember thinking how dumb it was that she was crying. It was just a stupid hat. But it wasn’t about the hat, it was about being there for her child. Even typing this, my heart pours out for her.

Gosh, I have felt that feeling so many times. Where is that work/life balance we strive for? Why do we have to work like we don’t have children and raise our kids like we don’t have to have jobs to put food on the table?

So, Jennifer, this is my apology to you. I’m sorry. I was a judging little asshole at that point in my life.

My second apology goes out to my older sister, Jill. Jill is three years older than me and has not lived in our hometown since people were worried about Y2K. She had my niece Allie when I was about 25 and my nephew Max right before I found out I was pregnant with Henry. I never understood why it was so hard for her to come home and visit on holidays. She only lived 3.5 hours away.

I get it now, Sister. The thought of packing both my young kids into the car on a holiday and driving 3.5 hours just to turn around 24 hours later and drive back makes me want to vomit. I’d rather clip my one year old’s toenails.

I get why we couldn’t shop non-stop when I visited because the kids had to take naps. I know why you couldn’t come with me to go wedding dress shopping because one of the kids had a ridiculously high fever and was vomiting all over every piece of furniture in your house. I understand that schedules and sick kid snuggles are just more important sometimes.

I have quite a few more people I should apologize to, but my word count is getting high and I don’t want to bore you. So if you had kids before I did and we were friends and you thought I ever judged you, I probably did. Because I was an asshole.

And I’m sorry. Because I had no idea how stressful it was to raise tiny little minions until I had my own.

Until Next Time,