I have been so overwhelmed lately. I think that’s why it has been so long since I’ve written an actual blog post. I can’t write when I don’t have a clear head.
And lately, my head has been a jumbled mess. I don’t even know what my jumbled mess is made of. It’s a mixture of scary feelings, big emotions and sarcasm.
I know there’s a lot of fear in there. I have been going between working remotely and at the office. I work in mental health and we are an essential business. Part of my job is social media, so I look at a lot of news to see what’s going on so I can post about relevant things. So I am constantly seeing ALL THE NUMBERS AND BIG HEADLINES.
And let’s just say, when you are working remote, it is so hard to disconnect. For those of you that have gotten all of this done, BRAVO!! Like, you seriously deserve a standing ovation. Then a week-long vacation to a place that won’t experience a global pandemic. Which is nowhere, so…we will move on.
I live with my two-year old, my five-year old kindergartener and my husband that is a teacher and baseball coach. And of course our dog, Newman Rockwell Johnson. He’s just a good boy that has a bad habit of sleeping on my feet at night.
My two-year old is really starting to embrace his words and has no fear. I have to follow him from room to room to make sure he doesn’t launch himself off of a dresser or throw every toy in his room down the stairs before telling me he’s hungry and crawling on the kitchen counter.
My five-year old is an old soul for a little boy. He has such a big heart. He has big feelings and I think a little anxiety and he’s having a hard time getting through all of this. He still can’t grasp the concept of what is going on. He misses his school and his friends and knows that people are getting sick but doesn’t know how long this will all last. And I just want to keep him safe in a big bubble but I know I can’t.
My husband has been working from home for three weeks and watching the kids while he works remote. This is his sixth season as head coach of the Owensboro High School Red Devils and they haven’t had the chance to play a game yet. He has ten seniors this year and I know how hard that is on him and how badly he just wants one chance to coach one game with his team.
And I’m just sitting here ugly crying for the first time since it all started. There is just so much going on and I can’t do it all. I can’t balance work and life and being a good mom and a good wife and taking care of myself. So I feel like I’m barely holding it together and I can’t stop eating cheesy poofs and drinking Diet Mountain Dew. I am an emotional eater.
So I’ve had to kill the noise. I’ve had to take time to drown out news and social media.
Because this is an opportunity to spend time with my family. To soak it all in. To discover things I didn’t know about myself, like I really won’t wash my hair for a week if I don’t have to.
But in all honesty, I guess I’m just writing this because it’s been hard. It’s been really hard. I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, but this is fucking nuts you all. And if you are having a hard time doing it all while actually only doing a fraction of it and not even doing that fraction very well, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I am united with you. Lower your standards and kill the noise. I promise that this will end. I don’t know when, but it will. So grab your equivalent of cheesy poofs and Diet Mountain Dew and power through with me.
Until Next Time,