I love my kid. He is awesome and adorable and I want to kiss his fat little face. But he can be a total asshole.

Is it okay to feel this way? Is this normal? Does this make me sound like a bad mom? I’m sure to some people it might. But I think a lot of moms feel this way. None of us want to admit it. Parenting is hard. And that’s okay. So let’s not just bottle it all up. Let it out! We are allowed to be mad at our kids! We made them and raised them and love them so deep and so hard. But sometimes they piss us off. And that’s normal.

Lately I have started to worry that maybe i’m raising a tiny caveman instead of a toddler. Should he be doing these things? Are all toddlers this insanely rude? Am I raising a heathen? So I cry and call my mom. She doesn’t understand because he is a freaking angel for her. Of course.

The other night I was so frustrated with the way he was acting that I said out loud, “I can’t deal with this right now!” All I wanted was a bottle of wine, a long sobbing cry on the couch and a nap. I literally thought if I heard his high pitched shriek one more time I was going to go full 2000’s Britney Spears and beat his PlaySkool motorcycle to pieces with an umbrella.

britney

But I didn’t. First, I am the adult in this situation and I need to be a good role model. Second, that stupid motorcycle was a present from my mom. If she knew it was destroyed she would just buy him a bigger, louder one.

Here are some of the asshole things Henry does. Please don’t judge my parenting skills because of this list.

  • When he is finished eating, he throws his plate or bowl onto the floor so we know he is finished. This makes me even more grateful for the dog. Without him, I would spend an hour a day scooping leftover food off the floors. I would also like to thank the creator of paper plates.
  • Instead of asking for something to drink, he lays down in front of the refrigerator and screams.
  • When I am about to hand him something, he yells, “Give it to me!”
  • If we go to a restaurant, he consistently tries to escape from the high chair/booster seat. When I try to wrestle him back in it, he screams. This is the reason why we can never go out for dinner.
  • He colored on our hardwood floors with a crayon. Luckily magic eraser takes it right up.
  • He laughs hysterically after he burps. Between him and my husband I feel like I live in a frat house.
  • He picks his nose ALL THE TIME! It’s almost like his finger is glued into his nostril.
  • He pulls the dog’s tail. I would like to thank Newman for his constant patience.
  • When I go to pick Henry up at the babysitter, he screams NOOOO and falls down on the floor crying. I know it’s fun at Becky’s house, but geez, have a little sympathy for your mom!
  • I lost an IPhone because he threw it in the toilet.
  • Church is more like a “take turns in the cry room” hour because he continually crawls under the pew and gets stuck. Which causes him to scream.
  • He likes to dump the dog’s water bowl over on the kitchen floor.
  • He does not do well at the grocery. One time he took off his rain boot and threw it at someone I knew. That was really embarrassing. Sorry Jennifer.
  • He consistently throws mulch anytime he is in the front yard.
  • I gave him my car keys to play with in the grocery about a year ago. He decided to fling them across the produce section where they landed nicely on top of the chopped lettuce on the salad bar.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. What am I going to do with this kid? I know most of you are saying, “Oh, he’s such a boy!” That is a true statement. But just because he is a boy doesn’t mean he can be an asshole! That’s not an excuse!

When we are out in public, he embarrasses the hell out of me. I usually end up leaving the store/baseball game/event with a screaming, kicking toddler under one arm. I get a lot of looks. Some of them are judgmental, some are sympathetic.

So thank you person that does not judge me because of my asshole toddler. I raise a glass to you. Because nothing is harder than feeling like being judged while trying to maintain your sanity. I do discipline my child, I promise! He just doesn’t always listen.

To all the other moms with asshole toddlers, I feel you! Don’t give up, this too will pass! Hopefully!

Until Next Time,

Jamie

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