I have absolutely nothing life-changing to say today. You aren’t going to read this post and think, “Holy shit – this woman is a visionary. She is changing lives. I must share this on all my social media accounts.”

Instead, you might think I’m off my freaking rocker. But that’s cool with me. You wouldn’t be the first person to say that.

Let’s start with this.

Does anyone else find the unpredictability of their four-year old very testing? Like, c’mon kid, we do almost the exact same thing every morning. The Huffington Post Parents Facebook page told me this routine would help us be a healthier, happier family!

And no, that was not an article I wrote for the Huffington Post, thank you very much.

Each morning, I never know if a happy, smiling Henry will emerge from his bedroom like a tiny ray of sunshine, or if an angry, yelling Henry will lumber into the bathroom while I’m showering and lay on the bath mat crying.

Is my kid the only one who does this?

I feel some people judging me right now, so shove it you judgers. Your day will come.

Once I coax my tiny monster off the bathroom floor, we have a rule. He has to go potty, put on his clothes for the day and eat breakfast. After that, he can watch cartoons while he waits for me to get ready to take him to preschool.

Some days, he will go potty, get dressed, and eat his breakfast with no problem and life will be a walk in the park. He will put on his shoes when I ask him to, go into the garage, and get in the car without arching his back or holding onto a door frame for dear life while I attempt to carry him in heels.

Those are the days that I smile. They are like a tiny vacation. I drop him off at preschool. He hangs up his bag, gives me a kiss and a hug, and I prance out the door back to my car like the carefree mom I am. It’s these days that I normally have a couple extra minutes to squeeze in a trip to Starbucks before I have to make it to work.

But no, that is not the norm. Unfortunately.

Some days, I get out of the shower and have to step over him as he sprawls on the bath mat. He’s not hungry. He’s not tired. He doesn’t like the dog. Why am I awake? Where are we going today?

I answer his questions and brace myself for his response. He could say, “Okay!” and get up off the floor, go downstairs, and do everything I ask him to. Or he could start rolling around the bathroom floor, into the hallway, all around the second floor screaming like one of those balls you put a hamster in for exercise. For a reason I am completely unaware of.

Don’t kill my vibe, kid.

He is so unpredictable. And yes, this is my first go round with a four-year old so I have never dealt with this issue before.

I know that he is old enough to listen and behave and that I need to be firm, yet nice. But sometimes, that shit just doesn’t work. Psychoanalyze me all you want, kids are just bat shit crazy sometimes.

So every day, I make it work.

Some days, that might mean being at my freaking wits end and holding back tears in the car after I drop him off because I don’t have time to go to Starbucks and the kid has me frazzled as hell. I know, it’s stupid to cry over something like that but a four-year old can really make your blood pressure rise.

Other days, we sit and talk about one thing or another, he asks for a hug, and the morning goes on as planned.

So, if you are reading this while your child sits next to you crying for no apparent reason whatsoever, I get it.

If you had to force your child into the car while he or she was screaming and you were scared the neighbors were going to call Child Protective Services, I feel you.

If your child was a sweet ray of sunshine today, bless your sweet soul and that venti Latte you got to enjoy.

If your kid refused to get dressed and laid on the floor playing dead so they went to school in pajama pants and a t-shirt that was a couple of sizes too big, I have been there.

If you are reading this and don’t have kids and think that I am horrible mom, like I would have before I had kids, you can shove it. Because one day, you will be paid back ten-fold for saying your future spawn will never act like that.

Until Next Time,