Why is being a mom such a tough job?
Because kids are gross. They can be tiny little monsters that push your buttons on purpose while simultaneously destroying an entire room in three minutes.
Disclaimer: I love my children. They are my life. I would take a bullet for them.
But let’s be honest. Sometimes kids are just freaking annoying.
So I have compiled a list of the top ten ways to make a mom extremely annoyed.
- Say that you want something, then refuse it once it has been handed to you. Like asking for four dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with ketchup and mustard on an orange plate, then throwing a temper tantrum when you get the exact meal you asked for. Because now you want chicken nuggets shaped like chickens on that one plate you saw at the one store the other day that I wouldn’t buy you with BBQ sauce.
- Act like a monster the minute you are in the car after being perfect for your babysitter or grandparent. My mom always talks about what angels my kids are when she watches them. Then parents enter the story and the kids turn into Satan’s spawn.
- Ask a question. But asking it 1,462 times and expecting a different answer each time.
- Waking up and not being the angel you were when I missed you ten minutes ago and wished you were awake. It never happens. It just isn’t possible. It’s like they can tell we are having a soft moment so they completely ruin it.
- Being slow. My three year old has two speeds. They are cracked out running in circles and sloth on benzos. Cracked out is 99% of the time. And I get the sloth on benzos anytime we are running behind, need to attend an important event, or get ready to leave the house.
- Fake crying. Don’t make up an injury and fake cry because you think it will get you out of cleaning your playroom. You did not break your elbow on the train table. I know your real cry. That shit is fake. If you are going to fake cry, at least try and make it believable. Work up some real tears kid!
- Dumping over a bin of toys that were just organized. I know, kids do that. Why do I even try to organize the toys? It’s a total waste of time. But once every two years, I get on a good cleaning spree. And it never lasts long.
- Enter a house that has just been cleaned. I know, another unreasonable expectation but if the house is clean, COULD YOU NOT WALK ON THE FLOORS OR SIT ON THE COUCH FOR AT LEAST A DAY SO I CAN ENJOY THE CLEANLINESS?
- Always want the food I have. My kid always eats off my plate. I could make him the exact same thing and he will still eat off mine. If I give him my plate and go get a new one, he will want my new plate. There’s no winning. It’s impossible. I honestly said when I was in my 20’s that I didn’t want kids because I was obsessed with McDonald’s – I know, it was a bad obsession – and I never wanted to have to share my french fries with a kid. That obviously changed.
- Stay awake on a road trip only to fall asleep when you pull in the parking lot of your location. Henry stayed awake for TEN HOURS STRAIGHT when he was two years old and we were driving to Hilton Head for vacation. When we reached our house for the week, we turned around to find that he had finally fallen asleep. What. The. Fuck. Kid.
So there you go. Ten ways that you can really annoy the hell out of a mom. These have been tested on me and all other moms in the universe and they work.
So don’t lose your cool the next time this happens. Don’t show them your weakness. Because they will see it and take advantage of it! Those tiny humans know how to push your buttons.
Until Next Time,
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